Optimist to Pessimist?

What do we have here? I was all hyped about my vision and now?

Because I think I just hit the wall. OUCH!

I know I know.... It's a lil too early to give up. I'm not giving up yet. I still like him like alot alot... It's just that, I dowanna spend my time thinking about him for a moment.

So ya, Imma put him into the freezer. I wanna take Seung Gi outta the fridge. Damn awful! But I love Seung Gi =P

Seung Gi: VICTORY!!!

I realize how crazy I was in love with Seung Gi. He was all I ever talked about before I met L. And after I met L, L is all I ever talk about. It's not right at all.

I guess this song was the reason I decided to store L in the freezer. I would be happier without have to think about him I guess. At least thinking about Seung Gi will never ever make me feel sad. Geez, I don't think I'm talking normally now. I don't even know what am I trying to say.

Oh well, for this moment of time, store L in the freezer that is.

What am I to you?

I start to feel like you're a stranger to me now. I know it's funny to say this cuz we've met like 2 months ago... You're so complicated... Like a puzzle and I have to keep searching for the missing pieces.

You've been hurt, I know that for a fact. All you want to do if have fun right now.

But why did you have to look at me and say those stuff about meeting new girls? Why do you have to ask me what I was thinking? Why did you wanna dig into my thoughts? Kept me wondering what's on your mind.

Part of me still think we were brought together by fate. Part of me think that maybe you're just another test I have to sit for. I really dunno. I'm not lost. I just dunno where I stand in your heart. As a really good friend? Or someone you wanna know more? Or just another church mate?

I really wanna know...

Random

For those who've known me for a long time, they should know that I'm a very random person. I can go craving for pop corn in the middle of the night or go to chill in starbucks alone.

Random. And I'm so bored sitting in the bus with Jack in my arms. Oh! Did I mention? Vinod got me a kangaroo =.= I was just jokingly mentioned and he actually got me one. So ya, it's Jack! 

Vinod that ass faced monkey! And hey this kangaroo look so much like him. And it's brown! Hahaha definitely is Vinod in disguise. Random!  And you know what I feel like doing now?? Eat udon!!! UDON!!! Damn I'm so hungry now! And it's so cold in the bus my fingers are numb. Ya! Cuz the smart me forgot my jacket on the chair. Oh well, I will survive.  

Anyway, I was so randomly thinking, what if L and I ended up like tae hung and miho? Not my pet tortoises! The two in the series. It's like when L realize my feelings for him when everything is too late. Will that happen? To be honest I'm not jealous kinda person. Though it breaks to see him getting close with other girls. But this is because he doesn't talk to me!!! If he replies me and all, I don't think I will go emo and all.  

Ah who cares? Being random isn't good. It makes me the hot and cold person I am. And when I feel like it, I will do it with all I am. When I don't, don't even bother to talk me to do something. Random! Now I wanna watch drama but it'd be very weird. But I couldn't sleep! Why? Cuz I just couldn't!  

Oh! This is so much more random! I feel like doing this in the future. You know the States likes to have this Hug for charity or Kiss for charity thingy where people donate money and get a hug or kiss from me. Then I will give the money away to do some charity. It's gonna be awesome!!!  Anyway, it's just random thoughts. I think I'm outta my mind. Better stop!

Before I end, I wish to dedicate this song to L.

You're my reflection

The title may seem a lil weird but today I'm telling a story about who was I and what kinda person I used to be like.

When I see that guy of my dream, let's call him L, he always reminds me of me. Well, not the current me but the old me. I mean young me?! Ah! The me a couple of years back. Why do I say so? It's cuz we have too much in common. I was crazy, lazy, messed up (sleeping time I mean) and I still am, talk nonstop, flirty... Another thing is L likes to shake or jump in the elevator, too! Hahahaha! Xiang yin used to hate me so much for doing that.

It's funny how you see yourself in someone. The another me. We're both the only Christian at home. I was pretty surprised. Another similarity. He's tough on the outside, soft on the inside. He's hot and cold, he likes Simple Plan... Too much in common I couldn't recall. Oh! We support the same football team and hate MU!!! F*** you MU!!! And one thing I know for sure, friends are very important to the both of us.

It seems like I've found myself instead of The One huh?! LoL! But it's good to have someone who agrees with you. The feeling is just so awesome. Same personalities except one thing! He's not a very on-time person. Or maybe he was just busy? Oh well, still need to work on that.

Oh, he loves horror movies too! And he listens to those songs I listen to. Uncountable.

One thing I wish he's not like me. Please do not be a clumsy person like me. It's funny how Joshua said sarcastically to me, "Call yourself miss independent?! Please la! So damn clumsy. You need someone to take care of you. You can even fall when you're just standing still." Hmm, wish he'd be the one to take care for me.

You know, I kinda think the both of us look a lil alike. Okay maybe he's the good looking one. Oh well... Don't think I can continue writing on the bumpy road when the bus is shaking like a boat. Gonna passed out soon. Till then!

Untitled =]

So I was watching this movie titled "Letters to Juliet" by Amanda Seyfried. What a lovely movie. Thought me about LOVE. Lesson of love. Here we go again!

So in this movie, there's a particular scene I really like.

"What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if?

But if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart.

Something like that. It is really true. What if. We always complicate stuff. Love is supposed to be simple for Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud... Okay! Kinda out of topic... What I'm trying to say is, if only we "just do it"! Go to the face of the one you love and tell him/her, Hey! I like you. Wouldn't things be so much much more simpler? I really wish I have the guts to tell that guy I like that I like him. TOO BAD! I don't have guts! (I should be worry if I have...)

Anyway, a super stupid thing I did. He fell sick, I bought him a card which was supposed to be given out to him when I see him. But sadly we didn't go visit him so the card, still with me, laying on my desk collecting dust. AWESOME! Sherroy told me to give it to him. Well, I'll see.

You know this song by Jesse McCartney Stupid Things?

There you go. I like the chorus. "... And all the stupid things I do have absolutely no reflection on how I feel about you." Hahaha! I think all the stupid things I did should be stopped since it's a waste of time. TRUE STORY! He didn't even care. Why should I be wasting my precious time? I guess Berry will say "LOOK WHO'S TALKING?!" cuz she bets I will continue be stupid. TRUE STORY! Oh kill me already!!!

Right! If it's true love, its never too late. BERRY I'm telling you this. So, go on and have fun. If he's yours, he'll eventually be yours. I truly believe it. So yea, I wish the best for ya sista!

OHHH!!! I nearly forgot about my dream!!! So I had this really bad dream about I was in this island. The sky was sooooo clear! The sea was soooooo blue! Beautiful. I was sitting in this super small canoe on the beach (YES the beach. Not in the middle of the sea) rocking side to side while sunbathing (I wanna be tanned cuz I couldn't get fair =.=). And then there's him. Talking to me. Don't really remember what we chatted and then he got call and left me there.

So I continue looking around and there's this super super super weird scary looking forest on the other side of the island. SPOOOOKAY! And I dunno which ass hole cursed the sky, cursed God and all sudden! the trees all shrunk. The cloud shrunk too. The sky turned black and the sea.... OMG i don't even dare to think. (Sorry the dream was pretty messy and no point). I even saw my dog in it! That dog died like ages ago... Man I miss him. So ya! The island got really scary. All the people in that island were running. I ran too. It was like the end of the world! I actually thought I was gonna die! Stuck in limbo forever. Hahahahahaha! And then I got up. PHEW!!!!!! I couldn't imagine if it went on. I will die die die for real. Hahahahaha!!!

Funny thing is, when I looked for Berry to talk, I was so emotional. I never thank God so much I was alive. Too many things I haven't done. I dowanna leave this world just like that. I wanna go Europe! US! Most importantly, I wanna get married!!!

OH!!! Another song which came across my mind just now. Boyzone's Everyday I Love You.

It says, ".... and you'll never live until you love with all your heart and soul." Heck ya! Keith Tay said two weeks consecutively about the happiness of life comes when you love and be loved. Brilliant! Well said. So much in me right now I just wanna spit it all out. Oh well, love does not boast so I'm just gonna keep it to myself. TEEHEE!

Forget tomorrow, I just wanna JUMP! --- Simple Plan

If you believe...

Things were simple back then,

Because as a kid we believe in almost everything.

Things aren't the same anymore,

Because we doubt in almost anything.

Why can't life be less complicated?

Why can't we just believe in each other?

If we believe,

I guess the world would be a better place.

If we believe,

I believe there'll be less crimes less politic issues.

If we believe,

The world will be filled with peace and harmony.

If we believe,

Maybe the world wouldn't end so soon.

I fought myself to believe,

That what's mine will eventually be mine.

I don't doubt God's plan for me,

Imma just gonna wait for it.

When you believe,

Your life will have so much joy than sorrow.

When you believe,

Even the slightest chance became possible.

When you believe,

Nothing in this world could stop you from your dreams.

If you could only believe,

Everything will be alright.

Just believe!

And your life would be changed today!

Believe in yourself, your family and friends,

Believe in Jesus for He has died on the cross for you and me.

*Amen*

"Damaged emotion affects our lives"

Today, I'm not gonna talk about that love of my life. Hahahahaha!!! (Okay I just did...)

Anyway! I was very intimidated by last Saturday's sermon. Wait! More like inspired by it. How small we humans are. I feel so tiny. So weak. So...... vulnerable! We're easily bruised, easily hurt and easily give up on something we're holding on to.

That's really true! But hey, Pain is inevitable, misery is an option! Why go letting our emotions consume us? We gotta keep staying UP in down times. SMILE!!! Though you're heart is breaking. And Pastor Keith (If I'm not mistaken) said that, this is Christianity at its best. So what does that actually mean? I'm still figuring it out. Don't ask me! Well, I guess what he was trying to tell is that no one is problem free. Just treat your problems like the questions in your exams. TRY TO SOLVE 'EM!!! Oh of cuz, by believing that God will be your problem solver (the invisible one.. HA!).

Honestly, I never believe in God this much in my life. I mean, the feelings are getting stronger and stronger. I left Him once, He waited till I get back. In fact I left Him twice but He never gave up on me. I always let my feelings win over my heart. I left God because of the grudges I have inside of me to Him. I didn't have enough faith. I was weak. But THANK GOD He keeps believing, believe in me, believe that I will come back to Him. Thank God He never let me go, never gave up on me. And thank God I've finally come to my senses, He brought me back to church again. And I'm more thankful than ever.

Pastor told us "Your choices create your future", as in your currently life is the summation of the choices that you've made in the past. Sorry Lord, stupid mistakes I've made and thank You Lord for forgiving me over and over again.

So here's 3 ways to heal your damaged emotions:

1. Give the guilt to God. - Ask for forgiveness, TRUST in Him.

2. Let go of your grief. - Deal with it with the right perspective, of cuz of God. Accept what cannot be changed.

3. Replace your grudges - Well, this is the most challenging one but give it to Him. When you're angry, you pray! Pray that God will give you the ability to reason, to be rational. And of cuz to HOLD you grudges.

I've been through quite a lot in my life. Being the only Christian in the family wasn't easy at all. I was not accepted, I was always mocked, I was despised (by my brother). Shaky Christian life. And then when I went to college I didn't have time for church because I was always travelling here and there. Then when I came to university I found a church which treated me like family but I couldn't take it. They were too into God. All the church activities was too much for me. When I said I don't feel like joining because I'm really tired (seriously I was tired) and the sister will go "I dunno, it's up to you. This is between you and God. Pray to Him and see what He says"... The way she said it is like making you DAMN guilty that no matter how tired you are you should pull yourself together and JOIN because God will never go, Oh today I don't feel like listening to your prayer, I don't feel like being the invisible guest in this church... I DON'T FEEL LIKE blah blah blah..... and the morning revival thing, worse! I know i know, DISCIPLINE!!! But dude, I will do it if I'm willing. God doesn't force us to do anything. Sometimes I just have too much to do I can't get up in the morning so stop making me feeling guilty already. (Oppsss, I just let my grudge loose)

*Heavy sigh* You have no idea how much I wanna run away from God. They made God so scary to me. Since then, I stop seeing God for like.... almost 9 months. I COULDN'T BELIVE IT!!! They really ruined my church life... Spoooookie! My damaged heart really affected the shit outta my life. THANK GOD I am saved ONCE AGAIN! Thank God you reached out for me! Hallelujah!

To be a Christian without prayer is no more possible than to be alive without breathing. - Martin Luther King jr.

So I was resurrected? Hell ya! I'm alive again! And it's so friggin' awesome! I wanna continue to live for Him. I dowanna ever leave Him again. Not everyone has second chance. I had my third chance. I don't hope for the forth because I wanna be with Him forever, never let this wonderful connection I have with God go ever! Lover of my soul, you completed me.